The point of this article is to highlight the effectiveness
of Yoga and Meditation as tools for therapy,
as ways to help facilitate the necessary process
of Grief, sadness, loss, peace, and freedom.
PREFACE: On Sunday night (21/2/10) my 1yr old cat, Shiva,
was hit by a car and died. The background to this is that I knew
it would happen one day. It was, however, much sooner than expected.
While some may feel the death of a pet is not so meaningful,
it is a fact that I just lost my most dear and intimate friend, my companion
at home and at work 7 days a week. The following is a diary recording
of the Yoga therapies I put in place to negotiate the experience.
(Note: I am a Yoga teacher, I reside behind my Yoga centre;
Shiva was the well-known cat in all classes.)
Day One (Meditation and Yoga - 7Hrs):
As can be expected, the next day waking up
It seemed vital for me to spend as much time as possible
doing nothing, and simply sitting/meditating
in the Yoga room, where I would normally meditate,
and where I knew Shiva always played and would be felt.
Obviously it's not a good idea to try to force oneself
to do anything, so at times I just felt like lying down,
curling up, crying, or sleeping.
But every 30mins or so moods would shift
and I'd sit up and start doing either simple Stillness Meditation
or 'Square Breathing'.
(I knew that this breath technique is the most efficient way to
enable my Psyche to work through things).
Important is to not make oneself do anything unless interested.
I didn't try to do Yoga, I just felt like it;
and I wanted to sit still - not distract myself -
and really experience the emotions without avoiding anything.
This is based on the notion that any repressed emotions
will later manifest as illness and psychosis.
I did about 5 hrs of this during the day,
and later the evening Yoga class allowed my body
to stretch out the tension and sadness,
plus all day I did heaps of SIGHS
(this is the most efficient way to release Emotion).
Later on, I came back for some more Meditation.
At this point, nothing really needs to be 'working';
I'm just sitting with time, staying still, watching the room.
I will rarely ever try to distract myself away from feeling
deeply into any emotions that I have.
In some ways I would say it is dangerous to
spend lots of time doing other things, hiding oneself in work,
thrashing oneself in the gym, watching films, gathering people around
as ways to avoid the feelings, the crying...or other things.
(Though the support of loving friends and family is valuable too).
Everyone's different, but for me it was easier waking up the second day.
I'd certainly done a vast amount of physical and emotional therapy the previous day.
Now for more Meditation, of course.
It's so important to stay present to how I'm feeling,
what I'm thinking about, what I'm panicking about,
getting angry, guilty, insecure, doubtful, defeated, depressed...
Naturally, many different thoughts and feelings come as waves
and the Meditation allows me to sit with them all
and allow them to play out completely.
Loss is such a tangible sense, it feels as though there is a space
which was previously filled with Shiva's energy, or personality.
Why do I feel as though I have less now? For technically that's not true:
the room I'm sitting in is just as full as it was last week.
Actually, once yesterday I had a meditative moment
of total Freedom, where I broke free of the sadness
and emotion, and knew that the past is the past,
and that I have so much still around me.
This of course didn't last long, but was worth remembering.
I started to do some stronger breath-work
(The Face-Power Improver: Holding the full breath,
puffing out my cheeks, popping my ears).
This breath occurred to me to do, because I was feeling
how my cheekbones and jaw were tight;
I'd obviously being tensing through loss and chagrin.
This breath technique allows one to release pressure
inside the skull, and brings very quick comfort and calm.
As expected, mental and emotional clarity arrived straight after.
Then I realised it was time to start doing Sun Salutes.
Obviously I'm getting on top of my self-therapy.
The Sun Salutes will certainly allow my whole body
to massage out its residual sadness, resistance, fears...
opening up and breathing well, fresh oxygen,
flushing through the cells, giving new life to the depression.
Then lie down and rest, and take time to dream out
the mental emotions.
These tools are so obviously helping,
because now I've become inspired again. I want to write this diary.
I'm obviously already coming out of egocentricity, the state of self-obsession.
Now I want to utilise the experience as a resource for others.
This surge in energy is still part of the fluctuating emotion.
I'll get tired after a while, and need to rest.
Suddnly I'm exhausted. It's also likely I'll become vulnerable, maybe anxious.
Important to sit with this, and stop 'doing things'.
Time to go and lie down, and dream.
Intimacy - this is the big one. This is where the hollowness comes from.
I think we are all filled by the personality of others,
that's why when they are gone we feel empty.
Shiva definitely filled me up, I adored everything he did.
Now he's not doing that anymore.
I've already noticed my urge to find a way to replace that.
Back to the meditation room, keep going back.
Now this diary has become a minor obsession.
I'm using it to give myself something to do.
Let go of it, go back to the room. Keep feeling, not doing.
Day Three (Meditation and Yoga - 6Hrs):
Better again today. Banale dreams last night
suggest my state of shock has thawed.
Last night in Yoga I realised it was time to start being proactive
in my physical therapy, using Heart Chakra poses
to open up my residual emotions. I'd been walking around
with head hung, and my chest was closing down.
Hanuman, Pigeon, Bow, Cobra, Cosmic Dancer. Held for long durations,
not pushing at all, but being steady, and breathing deeply.
And reciting often, mentally, the Mantra 'Lam'. Lots more sighs.
As expected this produced quick results.
By the end of the class I was feeling flat.
30 minutes later it almost felt like my old self was back.
Confident, clear, not-distracted; able to focus on other subjects.
While moods are still unreliable, I'd regained a more solid freedom.
*
Hugging knees to chest; lying Jesus Twist; Marich Twist;
Extended Lateral Twist; later, the Boat.
The Headstand is a good pose, it turns my world upside-down (perspective).
It allows my back muscles to release upwards, plus flushes out my lymphatics.
It's also a head massage (calming), and a whole lot of fresh blood for my brain.
I'm sure my brain needs more rest, the shock and sadness is physically demanding.
Aromatherapy: I may as well help myself as much as possible.
An Ayurvedic mix for the Heart Chakra:
Rose water, rose, geranium, rosewood, bergamot, crystal essence of rose quartz.
This has a soft smell, which is good. Gentleness is important.
It's still very tiring being around people for long
- the need to express and create things is demanding, when in a lull.
I don't feel like listening to music, it's too much information.
into the public and immediately felt vulnerable, emotional.
The Yoga is not designed to ease everything,
but, rather, to open everything up and bring it to the surface.
This can be harder at times, but it passes more quickly.
There's so much memory in my muscles...I can feel this in the poses.
Meditating, I can tell I still feel sad...maybe disappointed is more accurate.
I'm not defeated, I can accept what happened, I understand.
Occasionally people in class ask me where Shiva is.
This often hits deeply and drags out sadness that has been
hidden in little pockets within. I'm thankful to these people
because I want it all out - I don't want to get cancer from this later on.
In the night class I started doing much stronger breath-work. To go deeper,
to release more. There are some very powerful Kriyas available, such as:
Bow and Arrow, Chopping the Wood, the Tiger, Dynamic Cat (with Bandhas),
5 Dynamic Tibetans, 7 Psychic Breathing Practices...these can be explosive,
but the mind's tight grip on Experience gets broken down.
It was pretty full-on. I didn't feel all that great afterwards - not sick, just pretty down.
It's foolish to have expectations about this whole experience.
It's not just a movement in one direction (from sadness towards happiness).
The emotions still move in waves.
Last night I did so much powerful breath-work such that I almost regret that:
was it too soon, too early? I don't think so, but expecting everything
to just get exponentially "better" is silly. I'm definitely in the doldrums today.
Today is all about Balance. Alternate Nostril Breathing,
in all its variations. Two hours. Slow and gentle.
The standing balance poses would be a good idea too:
there are so many; definitely include Cosmic Dancer again.
I also realised that I needed to do some Throat Chakra practices.
My back has been straighter whilst walking, but my head's still down.
I'm closing off my throat. It occurred to me that I haven't felt
like telling any of my family about Shiva. I don't want to have to keep
talking about it. In psychic physiology, this restraint in Communication
will be affecting my throat glands, and neck muscles.
So colour therapy, the mantra "Ham", neck looseners, rotations...
the Fish is a SUPER pose for Grieving, it really focusses upon
Heart, Throat, 3rd Eye, and Crown Chakras. Ideal, gently, for long durations.
Humming Bee-Breath another excellent and suitable practice.
We all did Oms last night, together, with Shiva in mind.
Very healing, spiritually and physically.
*
Emptiness - most people will know this feeling.
Memories of little things he does, walking through the room,
sitting in different spots...the place feels empty of him.
It's his life that I miss, there's some energy not present now.
I've wondered if I should get another cat. I'm sitting on that for now.
Do I miss Shiva, or the life that he adds, the dynamic?
Still coming back to the room. There's no change today, but I know it's all here.
My enthusiasm is low; this is the time to keep going, keep breathing,
keep resting after poses, allowing my body to process.
I have no urge to do other things, like reading, watching TV,
watching comedies to make myself feel good...
at least I can meditate much more easily, because my mind is not so excited.
I found a lovely Mantra CD - 'Om Nama Shivaya".
A very mournful version, choral. I teared up straight away,
but within minutes it became so comforting.
I'll play this for the next few days. It feels perfect.
And then, half-way through the evening class...
an unexpected and amazing thing happened:
23Hrs (and heaps of Alternate Nostril Breathing) later,
I suddenly realised that the heavy breath-work of the previous night
has finally cleared my body. It took a lot of work, lots of grieving,
lots of meditating and stretching, but my body has finally broken free.
I can feel it, a real lightness again in my mood, my mind,
and my body has loosened. Moon Salutes feel beautiful,
I can open right up! I think I'm back!
This is exciting, but I feel completely centred. It's not 'over',
but I can tell that the processes I'd put in place have worked.
I would say my body has shifted 80% of its sadness,
the deep stuff, and some of it may well be from previous times.
I think that's a very quick movement. I don't think that is normal.
By body has actually changed. My neck and upper spine are now more flexible.
I can reach further than before, in backward bends.
I'm able to laugh again, properly. I can see the wonder of this experience.
I feel Trust in what has happened - it is Catharsis.
A part of me thinks I should have trusted Shiva more,
that he 'pulled the plug' for a reason; that this could be a gift, too.
Of course I miss him, but the only reality is Now.
I can't have him back, but devastation doesn't seem worth it.
I'm so glad I did things this way. I've been really Healing myself.
Now it's time to meditate again. Slow down, and settle. Back to the Room.
Breathe. (30 mins Ladder Breathing, 30mins Stillness Meditation).
I woke up feeling fine, and my dreams are certainly back to normal.
More meditation today, to keep an eye on myself. Emotional highs and lows are unreliable. I started with one hour of Square Breathing. Some of this I did
whilst staring at/meditating upon a Tantric Shiva Yantra. I started to see it in 3D,
which was new, but really I've got little understanding of what this practice can open up.
Next, 1.5 hrs of Sun Salutes, with long rests in between. This is full-body therapy.
Then: Dancing Shiva, Cosmic Dancer, Headstand Cycle, ShoulderStand Cycle;
I really wanted to start doing the Wheel. The Boat. The Scorpion. The Tiger again.
And inter-mingled between these poses, the following Breath-Practices:
Kapal Bhati (one of the best ways to bring Life [Prana] back into the cells);
Bandhas - Standing abdominal lock, the Master Lock, Nauli; 5 Dynamic Tibetans,
7 Psychic Breathing Practices, and last of all, Fire Breathing.
Now that I relate to this as a spiritual experience,
I'm interested to go further, deeper...
Today I began playing a new Mantra CD: Shiva Stotram.
This is very powerful, and beautiful.
I've been doing Gayatri Mudra with my hands,
all week (for Understanding)...and when this has all settled,
next week I'll be playing the Gayatri Mantra in all classes.
Today I've also introduced Prana Mudra, for energy.
Apana Mudra too, for balance.
About 5Hrs in, I did something I've never been able to do:
I stood up out of the Wheel. I've been trying to do this for 5 years.
Today was the day. This is a good example of the changes
that have occurred in my body, as deep emotion is removed.
I haven't just been dredging up the sadness about my dear Shiva -
I'm accessing all of the pains of my past, yet unresolved. This is big.
Am I in denial? Have I created a way to feel good again,
to avoid the sense of Loss, have I made up stories?
Well I'll trust my body way more than my thoughts.
*
The Children's Class was on this afternoon. I had decided
to tell the kids everything, to give them the whole story.
They are spiritual beings with great intelligence.
I knew I was giving them tools for the future.
*
The next 2 days I'm going to back off, and rest more. Still 3-4Hrs
each day for Yoga and Meditation. Spend some time with friends.
I know it's not over. Shiva's not coming back. There is still Loss.
I know my body will tighten up again tomorrow, the habits of the muscles
will have the tendency to pull it back. That's why I need to keep going,
to reinforce the new freedoms. The habits of my Mind will do the same.
Kapal Bhati (Breathing) and Sun Salutes will be perfect for this.
I'll probably get another cat now; I've waited long enough.
I've realised that over the duration of my whole life, I could have maybe 10 pets.
They're not like humans, for I can't just go out and buy another parent.
But every pet reflects an era in my life. They share my journeys
and bring so much beauty into the world. There are 1000's of animals
put down every year - each one of them a bundle of joy and love -
I can give a home to some.
This is about Sharing, about celebrating, and about Living.
*
I really feel as though this experience is preparing me for future grief.
I've grown so much through this process, but I've also learned.
I know what to do next time. I know that Meditation solves every problem.
Anyway, time will tell...
*
Looking Back - Great things to realise:
1. A lot of other issues don't really matter;
2. There are other people around, experiencing pain and loss; and
3. Life is an amazing story, to be shared as we all grow together.
After all, this whole thing has been about LOVE.
RIP: Shiva, my little Champion. Died 21st Feb 2010.
(I'd give all this back if you could still be here)
NOTES:
1. That I've been eating healthily the whole time, and drinking lots of water,
ought to go without saying. To me this is basic living.
2. I never do 'obsessive Yoga', pushing, reaching, trying...I focus upon effortlessness,
and lie down after each practice/pose, resting properly each time, waiting,
allowing the process to resolve itself.
This is Raja Yoga - a meditation, a process of Unconscious Therapy.
This is all about Intimacy, and Subtlety.
3. I realise Grief about a pet is not the same as human death.
This is not meant to trivialise anything, or anyone else's experiences.
4. Writing this diary was very helpful.
It became my own virtual PsychoTherapy session. I'd recommend it.
ONE WEEK LATER
It's good to have more perspective now.
One thing - which might have been predictable -
was that I stopped doing so much Meditation and Yoga.
Maybe I was tired, maybe I was lazy...but at least I can say as a result
that I definitely became more moody and less aware/balanced.
This is fine, and perhaps even necessary.
After the experience of Shock or Trauma,
the mind immediately closes down many of its doors.
This is an immediate defence mechanism, triggered by the experience of Pain,
as a way to protect the (perceived) Vulnerability and relative emotion.
Slowly, over time (a week, 3 months, years...) some of these doors
will open, often at unexpected times. Emotion leaks out again,
it is being released, relinquished, and resolved.
These moments can be freeing, or despairing reminders.
At the least they'll always be emotional (which in my mind is Good).
I think it would have been much better if I had continued
to meditate and do more solid breath-work in the previous week.
I think I held myself back, and became habitual.
The therapy was not complete.
But at least I have realised this, sensed the withdrawal in my body,
and know that it doesn't take much to free myself up again.
There are so many levels of constraint inside our minds, our fears, our habits.
I'm so drawn to Freedom, and glad to know that.
Otherwise I would be Depressed.
Remember to Meditate, keep Meditating, keep coming back to Meditation.
It always has more gifts.
Thanks for reading. All the best for your life and future.
(Please feel free to pass this on to others if you think it will be of any use)
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